"I Will Sin in My Youth and Repent in My Old Age"
Metropolitan Innokenty (Usov)
So think and sometimes even say many young people. But this is the most harmful, the most soul-destroying self-deception. Even more, this thought is instilled by the devil; it is his snare, with which he catches and drags along all those who listen to this treacherous suggestion. The number of Christian souls that have perished in this way is incalculable.
Observations of life prove that it is rare for a person to change their life for the better in old age. Usually, if a person has grown accustomed to sin from youth, if some passion has enslaved them, they remain faithful to it until old age, serving sin until death.
Those who have grown accustomed to drinking or smoking tobacco, or using foul language in their youth, will do the same in old age. Each of us has seen gray-haired old men who drink, smoke, curse, and commit other inappropriate acts. It has even been noted that bad habits and sinful passions not only do not weaken in old age but become stronger and more deeply rooted.
Whoever has acquired stinginess and greed for gain in youth will become even more stingy and greedy in old age. Whoever has been extravagant and wasteful in youth will be even more wasteful in old age. Whoever has been malicious, quarrelsome, touchy, and hard-heartedly selfish in youth will be the same in old age, only more so.
Even those sins and passions that a person cannot commit in old age, if they were enslaved by them in youth, do not leave them; if they cannot commit them in action, they strive to satisfy their inclinations and passions in thought and imagination. Those who say they will sin in their youth and repent in their old age are preparing to offer God a sacrifice like Cain's, which God did not accept because it was made from the worst fruits and thus without proper zeal. So it is in this case.
Young years, the best part of life, are intended to be spent in service to the devil, while the old years, the worst part of life, are prepared to be given to God. Will God accept such a sacrifice? Will He allow one to live to old age? Does not the greater part of humanity die before reaching advanced years? And if one does live to old age, will they cease to sin? If due to physical weakness some sins cannot be committed, it is only because one is unable. But is this a virtue? Will you give up sins? Will the sins not leave you instead? Having no strength to sin in old age, will you also have no strength to do good deeds or even to repent? Is it time for repentance when a person can barely walk, barely remember their past life, and often completely forgets not only the past but also the present?
Of course, there are exceptions; it happens that even in old age people correct their lives, repent of past sins, and God accepts their repentance. But such exceptions do not change the general law of life, according to which it is almost impossible for someone who has lived immorally in youth to correct themselves in old age, just as it is almost impossible to straighten a tree that has grown crooked from youth when it has become old.
True, the wise thief repented just before his death and received heavenly bliss. But do not forget that the other thief did not repent even before death, and dying, continued to blaspheme unforgivably. If you have lived the life of a robber or even worse than a robber, who will you be before death? The wise or the wicked thief? How can you prove that before death you will repent and not continue to sin in words and perhaps in deeds? Who can guarantee that God will lead you to repentance?
"Who sins with the hope of forgiveness, to him there is no forgiveness," says St. Ephraim the Syrian. And rightly so. For he who sins precisely because God is merciful, deliberately abuses God's mercy, makes God the cause of evil, and thus openly blasphemes. Such people are not forgiven not because God does not want to forgive them, but because they almost never sincerely repent.
In view of all this, it is necessary to fight with all our strength and means against this devilish suggestion that in youth we can indulge in our passions and desires, sin as much as we can, and in old age live well, morally, virtuously, and repent of past sins and iniquities.
Fear this satanic and soul-destroying thought as you would poison, as unquenchable fire, to which it leads. Strive to train yourself from a young age to live according to God's Law, to act morally, and to do good deeds. Then, old age will be good and pleasant. What you sow in youth, you will reap in old age, and surely with a good harvest. "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy" (Ps. 126:5). "For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind" (Hos. 8:7). If you sow wheat, you will reap wheat. If you sow thorns, nettles, or other weeds and harmful plants, they will grow. Nothing else. So it is in life.
What you wish to learn, learn in youth; postponing education or the acquisition of skills until old age is both ridiculous and foolish, and even criminal. Does someone who wants to be a craftsman, an artist, a writer, a scholar, etc., postpone learning their craft until old age? And if they do postpone, they will achieve nothing. Can someone be considered an artist who says: "I will learn this craft in old age"? Would you order shoes from someone who plans to take up shoemaking only in old age? But morality and good deeds are higher, more necessary, and more useful than any craft, art, or science. Why then postpone the acquisition of moral behavior until old age?
Even with constant practice in perfecting morality, it is difficult to maintain the appropriate height so as not to perish. What then can be said of someone who constantly practices evil? "And if the righteous scarcely be saved, where shall the ungodly and the sinner appear?" (1 Pet. 4:18).
Therefore, almost all the holy servants of God began their ascetic feats from a young age. St. Anthony the Great went into the desert at sixteen. Saints Anthony and Theodosius of the Caves also entered the monastery before the age of twenty. Saints Basil the Great, Gregory the Theologian, and John Chrysostom, known as the ecumenical teachers, also dedicated themselves to the service of God from a young age, even before completing higher education. Many such examples can be cited. All these people were of truly impeccable and high morality, great spiritual feats, and admirable virtues.
Imitate these examples of morality, strive to resemble them as much as possible, and do not listen to the suggestions of the spirit of malice, remembering that "your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Pet. 5:8). May the Lord God deliver you from him by His grace and love for mankind.
-Metropolitan Innokentiy (Usov).
From the book "Words and Speeches" (1910).
Metropolitan Belokrinitsky Innokentiy (Ivan Grigorievich Usov; January 23, 1870–1942) was a prominent hierarch of the Church of Christ and a major Old Believer apologetic writer. In 1903, in Nizhny Novgorod, he was ordained as the bishop of Nizhny Novgorod and Kostroma. He actively opposed communist atheism. From 1920, he served as the bishop of Kishinev. In 1942 (?), he was elevated to the rank of metropolitan of Belokrinitsky and moved to reside at the Belokrinitsky Monastery. He authored many articles and books. He is buried at the Old Believer church in the village of Pisk (Braila, Romania).
I needed to hear this decades ago. Maybe I did. I was bulletproof and tomorrow was another day, thus I led a sinful life even when I knew better. Addiction, self satisfying actions of all kinds at any cost. Redemption? I even questioned that I was even worth God's Grace well into middle age.
I tell you that self centric life didn't sit well with me. And the self imposed guilt over the years kept me repeating sin over and over. To run from it.
Thankfully I have repented and Received the Sacrament of Absolution. Who am I not to forgive myself when God has?