On Mutual Submission in the Family, on Love, and on Women's Adornments
St. John Chrysostom - Homily 10 on the Epistle to the Colossians
There are several homilies from the fathers on the issue of St. Paul’s commands regarding familial order, and this is another from St. John the Golden-mouth. One point that Chrysostom makes here is that the submission to which wives are pressed is not one that comes from nature - which is to say that it is not on account of simply being a woman, a wife, that equates to having to submit. Rather, he says, it is for God that it is so ordained, that in submitting, glory may be given to the wife, as in the glory that is the husband’s who selflessly loves his wife. This is the basic, fundamental order to the Christian family unit. And like all commandments, like all Christian virtues, they are expounded upon by the fathers throughout the centuries.
But who among the modern Christians will hear their priests, their deacons, their bishops preach to them of the necessity of the submission of the wife to the husband in our time when this observance is openly ridiculed and mocked? Who defends Chrysostom? Who defends Paul? It is rather the case that those faithful converts, running to the Orthodox church out of awe of her antiquity will, in the same breath, condemn this teaching (through ignoring it) as antiquated. But a church of cowards who are afraid to preach certain parts of the faith cannot claim the right of apostolic teaching. Nevertheless, we are in an age of almost universal literacy, and do not need our priests and deacons to read the Gospels and Epistles to us, for we all own the Scriptures ourselves, and are able to read them. So, let no one take comfort in the thought that what they neglect can be blamed on the priesthood who fears to preach it. None are without excuse. No husband who mistreats his wife or insists upon cold servility can plead ignorance. No wife who casts aside her role as an image of humility, shown outwardly by her submission to her husband, and symbolized by the covering of her hair she was blessed to wear at her wedding, can appeal to morals of her age as an excuse - for we all have the Scriptures and the fathers before us, ceaselessly and fearlessly preaching what our preachers will not.
This is classic Chrysostom, reading the text with an eye always to exhorting the faithful to fidelity to the manner of Christian living. Notice also his moderation and his practical advice regarding children. And do not let the older style of writing dissuade you from reading this most revered of ancient fathers!
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God: And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ. But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons. Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal; knowing that ye also have a Master in heaven." (Colossians 3:18-25, 4:1, KJV)
Why does Paul not command this in every place and in all epistles, but only here and in the epistles to the Ephesians, Timothy, and Titus? It is likely because disagreements arose in these cities, or perhaps because in other matters they excelled, but in this they erred and needed to hear this instruction. Yet, it is more accurate to say that he speaks not only to them but to all Christians. This epistle closely resembles the one to the Ephesians. Elsewhere, he does not say the same—perhaps because it was unnecessary to address it to those who were already peaceful, or because those who had received consolation in trials did not need to hear it again. These considerations suggest that the Church here was already strong, and that he speaks this towards the end of his life.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord,"
meaning, submit for God's sake, for it adorns you, not them. This submission I do not understand as that of a slave to a master or one that arises from nature, but as one that is for God's sake. "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." See how he encourages mutual relations. Just as he enjoins fear and love there, so does he here, for even a loving man can become embittered. Thus, his words mean: do not harbor enmity; nothing is more grievous than enmity from a husband towards his wife; enmity directed against loved ones is the most bitter; it shows that the grief is great when someone rises against their own member. Therefore, to love is the husband's duty, and to yield is the wife's. If each fulfills their duty, everything will be strong; seeing herself loved, the wife is friendly, and encountering submission, the husband is gentle. See, this is how it is arranged in nature, that the husband loves, and the wife obeys. When the ruler loves the one who is ruled, everything is well-ordered. Love is more required of the ruler than of the one who is ruled, while obedience is required of the latter. Even the fact that beauty is in the woman and desire in the man shows that it is arranged for love. Therefore, when the wife submits, do not be haughty; and you, wife, when your husband loves you, do not be proud; neither let the husband's love cause pride in the wife, nor let the wife's submission make the husband arrogant. God has subordinated her to you so that she might be more loved; and He has inspired the husband to love you, wife, so that submission may be easier for you. Do not fear submission; submitting to one who loves you is not difficult at all. Do not fear love; she yields before you. The union is possible no other way. You have the power necessary by nature; have also the union by love, which allows enduring the weaker.
"Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord." Again, he adds "unto the Lord," establishing laws of obedience, advising, and humbling. "For this is well pleasing unto the Lord," he says. See how he wants us to do everything not only by nature but also by God's will so that we may receive a reward. "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." Here again, submission and love. He did not say: love your children, for that would be superfluous—nature itself compels this; instead, he corrected what was needed, namely, that love here is stronger, as obedience is greater. He never gives the example of a husband and wife—but what? Listen to what the prophet says: "Like as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them that fear him" (Psalm 102:13); and again Christ says: "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?" (Matthew 7:9-10). "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." What he knew would be especially sensitive for fathers, he commands kindly, without citing God; in this way, he arouses parental affection and softens their hearts. The expression "provoke not" means do not make them quarrelsome. There are cases where you should yield to them.
Then he moves to the third category of authority: "Servants," he says, "obey in all things your masters according to the flesh." Here, though there is something related to love, this love is not dictated by nature, as above, but by custom, and it is required on the one hand by authority, on the other by deeds. Thus, the beginning of love here is diminished, while the beginning of obedience is increased, and this expresses the desire that what the first have by nature, the latter should repay through obedience—so that here Paul speaks not for the sake of masters but for the sake of the servants themselves, that they might become beloved to their masters. However, he does not express this clearly; otherwise, he would have confused them. "Servants," he says, "obey in all things your masters according to the flesh."
And notice how he always mentions names—wives, children, servants—in the context of their duty to obey; and so that you might not be grieved, he adds: "to your masters according to the flesh." Your better part, he says, your soul, is free; slavery is temporary. Therefore, subject your body to it, so that you do not become enslaved by necessity. "Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers." Do this, he says, so that your bondage according to the law may become bondage out of fear of Christ. Even if the master does not see that you do what is proper and for his honor, still you do it for the sake of the All-Seeing Eye. "Not with eyeservice, as menpleasers," he says, because working only under supervision harms you. Listen to what the prophet says: "God hath scattered the bones of him that encampeth against thee" (Psalm 53:5). See how he spares them and arranges things properly. "But in singleness of heart, fearing God," because to have one thing in the heart and do another, appearing one way in the presence of the master and another in his absence, is not simplicity but hypocrisy. Therefore, he did not merely say, "but in singleness of heart," but added, "fearing God." This is precisely what it means to fear God when we do nothing evil even if no one sees us; if we do, we fear not God but men. Do you see how he arranges them? "And whatsoever ye do," he says, "do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men." By this, he wants to deliver them not only from hypocrisy but also from laziness. If they have no need for supervision by their masters, then through this, he makes them free instead of slaves. "Heartily" means with good will, not with slavish necessity, but freely and willingly. And what is the reward? "Knowing," he says, "that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ." Therefore, from Him you will receive the reward. And that you serve the Lord is evident from the following: "But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done." Here Paul confirms what he said before: so that his words do not seem like flattery, he says, "he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done," that is, he will receive punishment, because there is no respect of persons with God. What if you are a servant? Do not be ashamed.
However, this should have been said to the masters, as in the epistle to the Ephesians; but here, under the name of masters, it seems to me, Gentiles are meant. What if the master is a Gentile and you are a Christian? It is not persons but deeds that are tested—so even in this case, you should work with good will and heartily. "Masters, give unto your servants that which is just and equal." And what is just, what is equal? To provide them with everything abundantly and not allow them to be in need of anything, but to reward them for their labors, because if I have said that they will receive their reward from God, this does not mean that you should deprive them of their due. Elsewhere, he said, "forbearing threatening" (Ephesians 6:9), wishing to make them more gentle, as they were perfect. That is, "For with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again" (Matthew 7:2). And the words "there is no respect of persons" also apply to them and are addressed to them so that they might accept this, for when what concerns one person is said to another, we correct not so much him as the guilty one. "And ye also" are with them, he says. Here he makes slavery common. "Knowing," he says, "that ye also have a Master in heaven. Continue in prayer, and watch in the same with thanksgiving" (Colossians 4:1-2).
Since frequent continuance in prayer often leads to negligence, he says, "watch," that is, be vigilant and not distracted. The devil knows, well knows, what a great good prayer is, and therefore he presses hard against those who pray. Paul also knows how careless many are in prayer, and therefore he says, "watch in the same," as in a difficult task, "with thanksgiving." This, he says, should be your occupation—to thank God in your prayers both for the obvious and for the hidden, for the blessings God has bestowed upon you according to your desires, and for those given against your desires, for the kingdom, and for hell, for sorrow and for its alleviation. Thus, the saints customarily pray and give thanks for general blessings.
I know of a certain holy man who prayed in such a way that before saying anything else, he would directly cry out: "We thank Thee for all Thy blessings bestowed upon us unworthy ones from the first day of our lives until the present—thank Thee for everything we know and do not know, for all the visible and invisible, revealed by deed and word, accomplished according to our will and against our will, for all that has happened to us unworthy ones, for sorrow and the alleviation of sorrow, for hell, for torment, for the Kingdom of Heaven. We beseech Thee to keep our souls holy, pure, conscientious, and fully worthy of Thy lovingkindness. Thou who hast loved us so much as to give Thy Only Begotten for us, make us worthy of Thy love. Grant us wisdom in Thy word, and in Thy fear, O Only Begotten Christ, inspire us with the strength that comes from Thee. Thou who gavest Thy Only Begotten for us and sent Thy Holy Spirit for the remission of our sins, forgive us and condemn us not if we have sinned in will or against our will. Remember all who call upon Thy name in truth. Remember all those who wish us well and those who do not, for we are all but men." Then, adding the prayer of the faithful and lifting up the supplication as a sort of head and common voice of all, he would fall silent.
Indeed, God does many good things for us against our will, and many more He accomplishes without our awareness. When we pray to Him for something and He does the opposite, it is evident that He does good things beyond our understanding. "Pray also for us." Look at the humility: he places himself after them. "That God may open unto us a door of utterance, to speak the mystery of Christ" (Colossians 4:3). He calls prayer the entrance and foundation of boldness. O, what a mighty man! He did not say: that I may be delivered from my bonds, but, while in bonds, he asked others to pray, and he asked for a great thing—to receive boldness! Here are two great things: the quality of the person and the quality of the task. O, what dignity! "The mystery," he says, "of Christ," showing that for him nothing is more desirable than to preach about it. "For which I am also in bonds, that I may make it manifest, as I ought to speak." With great boldness, he says, and not hiding anything. Do you see, the bonds manifest him, not conceal him. With great boldness, he says. Tell me, you are in bonds, and you ask others? Yes, he says; but the bonds give me greater boldness, and I require only God's help, because I heard the word of Christ: "But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak" (Matthew 10:19). And see how metaphorically he speaks: "That God may open unto us a door of utterance." See how free from arrogance he is, how humbly he prophesies in bonds, that is, to soften their hearts. And he said this not for himself—he expressed himself so humbly to inspire boldness in us; he asks for himself what he already has. By calling the Old Testament a shadow in this epistle, he shows why Christ did not come earlier: "the body is of Christ" (Colossians 2:17), he says, so that one had to get accustomed to the shadow. At the same time, he reveals the greatest proof of his love for them. So that you may hear about my bonds. Again, he brings to mind the bonds, which I greatly love, which stir my heart and always lead to the desire to see Paul bound and writing in bonds, preaching, baptizing, instructing. He, though bound, was informed about all the churches, and he, while bound, instructed thousands of Christians. Then he was more likely to be released from his bonds. Listen to what he says: "And many of the brethren in the Lord, waxing confident by my bonds, are much more bold to speak the word without fear" (Philippians 1:14). He himself testifies to this again, saying: "For when I am weak, then am I strong" (2 Corinthians 12:10). That is why he also said: "But the word of God is not bound" (2 Timothy 2:9).
He was in bonds with criminals, with prisoners, with murderers; the teacher of the world was bound, who had ascended to the Third Heaven, who had heard unspeakable words. But then his race was the faster. Bound, he was loosed, and unbound, he was bound; what he willed, he accomplished, and what others willed did not prevent him, nor did it fulfill their intentions. What are you doing, madman? Is this a carnal runner? Is he running in our race? He dwells in Heaven. Earthly bonds cannot bind or stop one who runs in Heaven. Do you not see this sun? Place bonds on its rays and stop its course! But you cannot. So too with Paul, even less than with the sun—because he is guarded by greater providence than the latter—for he does not bring us a material light, but the true light. Where now are those who were unwilling to suffer anything for Christ—but why do I say suffer?—they were unwilling even to sacrifice their money? Paul once bound and imprisoned others; but as soon as he became a servant of Christ, he began to boast not of deeds but of sufferings. And such is the wonder of preaching, that it was stirred and increased not by the actions of evildoers but by the suffering of those who endured. Where have such feats been seen? The one who suffers evil prevails, and the one who does evil is defeated. The first comes out more glorious than the latter and preaches through bonds. I am not ashamed, but rather boast, he says, preaching the Crucified. Consider: the whole world leaves the unbound and comes to the bound, turns away from the binders and honors those chained in fetters, hates the crucifiers and worships the Crucified"
It is not only remarkable that the preachers were fishermen, simple people, but also that there were other obstacles—natural obstacles—yet the work progressed successfully. Simplicity not only did not hinder them, but it made the preaching more noticeable. Listen to what Luke says: "And perceiving that they were unlearned and ignorant men" (Acts 4:13). And the bonds also not only did not hinder but made the apostles bolder. The disciples were not as daring when Paul was free as they were when he was in bonds: "And they spake the word of God with boldness" (Acts 4:31). Where are the objectors who say that this preaching was not divine? Did simplicity not prove enough to refute them? Shouldn't they have been afraid in such a condition? You know that common people are driven by two feelings: vanity and fear. Simplicity did not allow them to be ashamed; danger, of course, should have instilled fear. But they say, they performed miracles. So you believe they performed miracles. And if they didn't? Here is a greater miracle than those they performed—that people were brought to Christ without miracles.
Socrates was also bound by the Greeks. And what happened? Didn't his disciples immediately flee to Megara? Of course, because they did not accept the teaching about immortality. But see how it was here. Paul was bound, and his disciples became all the more bold. This was as it should be, because they saw that this did not hinder the preaching—you cannot bind the tongue, and it is the tongue that especially hastens it. Just as you cannot hinder a runner unless you bind his legs, so you cannot hinder the runner of good tidings unless you bind his tongue; and just as the former runs faster and moves swifter when you gird his loins, so does the latter preach more and with greater boldness when he is in bonds. A prisoner fears if he only looks at the bonds; but how can you bind someone who despises death? They did the same as if they had, for example, bound Paul's shadow and stopped its mouth. This was a struggle with a shadow. Bearing his bonds as a reward for his bravery, Paul became more desirable to his own and more honored by his enemies. A crown adorns the head and makes it more glorious, not disgraceful. They unwillingly crowned him with his bonds. Tell me, can iron frighten someone who was not afraid of the adamantine gates of death?
Let us envy these bonds, beloved. All of you women, who adorn yourselves with golden necklaces, desire the bonds of Paul. These ornaments do not shine as brightly on your necks as the beauty of iron bonds shines on his soul. And whoever desires the latter must hate the former, because what communion is there between cowardice and courage, between bodily adornment and wisdom? These bonds are respected by angels, while they look upon those (ornaments) as children's toys. These bonds usually draw one from the earth to Heaven, while those drag one down from Heaven to earth. Truly, these bonds are not like those: these are ornaments, while those are bonds; the latter crush both the body and the soul, while the former adorn both the body and the soul. Do you want to know that these are truly ornaments? Tell me, who attracted more spectators—you or Paul? But why do I speak of you? Even the queen herself, all covered in gold, cannot attract more spectators. If it happened that Paul in bonds and the queen entered the church at the same time, everyone would turn their eyes from the latter to the former. And so it should be, because to see a man standing above human nature, having nothing human, but being an angel on earth, is more curious than seeing a dressed-up woman. The latter can be seen in theaters, at solemn gatherings, in baths, and other places, but to see a man bound in chains, considering them the greatest adornment and unafraid of the chains—this is to witness not an earthly sight but one worthy of Heaven. The soul, whose body is hung with jewels, watches to see who looks at them and who does not, fills with arrogance, becomes anxious, and is disturbed by many other feelings; on the contrary, the one burdened with chains is not arrogant, his soul is calm, free from all anxiety, joyful, and looks toward Heaven as if it had wings. If someone gave me the choice to see Paul descending from Heaven and proclaiming the word or coming out of prison, I would prefer to see him coming out of prison, because when he was in prison, those from Heaven descended to him. Paul's bonds are the bond of the preaching; his fetters are the foundation. Let us desire these bonds as well.
But how is this possible, you may ask? If we break and discard those ornaments. There is no benefit from these chains, but rather harm. They will make us prisoners there; but Paul's bonds will release us from bonds there. A soul bound by these chains here will be bound hand and foot by incorruptible chains there; but a soul bound by Paul's chains will have them as an adornment there. So release yourself from the chains, and also release the poor from hunger. Why do you bind the chains of sin? How, you ask? By hoarding gold while another perishes; by preserving a mass of gold for the sake of vain glory, while another has nothing to eat. By doing this, aren't you binding yourself with sins? Clothe yourself in Christ, not in gold. Where there is mammon, there is no Christ, and where there is Christ, there is no mammon. Do you not want to clothe yourself in the King of all? If someone gave you a purple robe and a diadem, wouldn't you accept them instead of all the gold? I offer you not royal adornment but to clothe yourself in the King Himself. But how to clothe yourself in Christ, you ask? Listen to what Paul says: "For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ" (Galatians 3:27); listen also to the apostolic exhortation: "Make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill the lusts thereof" (Romans 13:14). Therefore, one who does not indulge the flesh to the point of lusting is clothed in Christ. If you are clothed in Christ, even demons will fear you; but if you are clothed in gold, even people will laugh at you; if you are clothed in Christ, people will also respect you.
Do you want to appear beautiful and decorous? Be content with the image given to you by the Creator. Why do you hang gold as if trying to correct the image of God? Do you want to appear decorous? Clothe yourself in mercy, in love for humanity, in chastity, in humility. All of these are more precious than gold; they make the beautiful even more decorous and the unbeautiful attractive. Whoever looks at a face expressing kindness will speak favorably out of love, but no one can call an evil face beautiful, even if it is physically attractive—because a troubled heart does not utter right judgment. The Egyptian woman was adorned, and so was Joseph; but who was more beautiful? But I speak of the time when the former was in the royal palace, and the latter was in prison. He was naked but clothed in the garment of chastity, while she was clothed but proved more shameful than naked because she lacked chastity. When you, woman, overly adorn yourself, you become more shameful than if you were naked because you strip yourself of decency. Eve was naked, but she became more shameful when she clothed herself because, while naked, she was adorned with God's glory, but once clothed in the garment of sin, she became shameful. Likewise, when you put on the trappings of vanity, you become more shameful because luxurious clothing cannot reveal beauty; on the contrary, the one dressed in it may be more shameful than one who is naked. I ask: if you were to put on the attire of a flute player or dancer, wouldn't you be ashamed? Even though these clothes are golden, you would be ashamed precisely because they are golden, as such luxurious attire befits tragedians, comedians, mimics, dancers, and gladiators; but a faithful wife has been given another garment by God—His Only Begotten Son. "For as many of you as have been baptized into Christ have put on Christ." Tell me: if someone gave you a royal garment, and you took it and placed a beggar's rags over it, wouldn't you not only bear shame but also punishment for that? You have clothed yourself in the Master of Heaven and Angels, and yet you still cling to the earth? I say this to show that vanity is a great evil even on its own, even if it leads to nothing else and even if it could be indulged in safely. But it inclines one toward vanity and arrogance, and then from embellishments arise many other things—obvious suspicions, untimely expenses, reproaches, and occasions for greed. Why do you adorn yourself, tell me? To please your husband? Then do so at home. But here the opposite occurs. If you want to please your husband, don't please others; but when you please others, you cannot please your husband.
Therefore, when you go out to the public square or enter the church, you should set aside all adornment. Moreover, do not please your husband with what pleases harlots, but especially with what pleases honorable wives. What, tell me, distinguishes a wife from a harlot? The latter focuses solely on how to attract her lover with the beauty of the body; the former manages the household, cares for the children, and oversees all other things. If you have a daughter, be careful that she does not take anything harmful from you: children love to imitate the character and behavior of their caregivers and mothers. Be an example of chastity for your daughter; adorn yourself with this adornment and disregard the other. This is indeed true adornment, while the other is ugliness. Enough has been said. May God, who created beauty and gave us the adornment of the soul, adorn us and clothe us with His glory so that we may all shine with good works and, living for His glory, give glory to the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.